Reader Question: Do I honor my commitment when my wife doesn’t?

I was deployed for a year when I came home my wife had 2 women living with her. They were sharing the same bed. When I returned she was emotionally connected with these 2 ladies. I have been home 11 months and my wife moved into the spare room and the ladies moved out, but my wife goes to see them and spends the night with them weekly. My wife stopped going to marriage counseling. She is getting individual counseling. I am getting individual counseling as well. How long should I keep trying for reconciliation? She avoids me and prefers spending time with her girlfriends over our sons.  She keeps secrets and avoids being honest with me. She is addicted to her iPhone and stays on it all the time but won’t answer calls from me. What should I do? I made a vow to this woman but she has changed. Do I keep my wedding vows even when my wife doesn’t?

Do I honor my commitment when my wife doesn't
Thank you for your question and I am so sorry to hear what is going on in your marriage. Also, I want to commend you on fighting for your marriage. That is not easy especially when I am sure your mind goes wild with all the possibilities of what may be going on with your wife.

The hard part is your wife seems to be avoiding you so I want to let you know what I have known other people to do when they were in a situation similar to yours. I am not suggesting these routes, but others have had some success…snooping and private investigators. These two routes serve a means to an end, which is getting to the truth when your wife is not willing to be direct with you.

This brings me to the most important piece of advice I have for you:

Do not make a decision until all the truth is known. Right now, it seems like you are guessing what is going on with your wife and her relationship with these women, but she hasn’t fessed up to anything. Without total transparency it is too hard to know whether or not your wife is going through some temporary thing or if she has decided she wants out of the marriage. All you know is that she is withdrawing and not being truthful with you. Whether or not you and your wife reconcile, you should know the truth. This will be important for you as you work toward forgiving her and recovering either to save your marriage or to move on in the future. Also, if she were to come clean and want to save the marriage it will take time for you to build up your trust in her again, this cannot be done without total truth.

I wish you the best and hope that your commitment to your wife and family is reciprocated and appreciated.


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